just another day

As I sit here listening to my dear old Darin snore, I am contemplating life and what is going to hold for me. I just finished my class in Dialysis... I hope that as soon as the new year comes that there will be jobs. I am going to go to a dialysis center and watch the other Technicians do what I hope to be doing soon. I am just nervous about the needles. I don't want to hurt anyone but if it is going to help then I guess I have to learn right? Darin finally got his first check and we made a 450 dollar payment to the stupid collection agency... I just hope that will help us when we go to court... we only have 814 dollars to go.... For us it is a whole lot of money going into paying these guys off. I cant believe we let ourselves get this far into debt in our first year. I just don't know what to do. I want a baby so bad but i don't want to bring a baby into Darin's parents house. Darin's dad is completely emotionally abusive and I don't want my baby to ever be around that. I know I should give Bob the benefit of the doubt but I just cant. Not after the way he has treated me and my marriage. I do owe him a lot of money for helping us out. But at the time he said don't worry about it. Just take it, it is a gift... Now he is demanding like 5000 dollars out of us and he knows we don't have that kind of money. What should I do? I need a job but when someone you trust says just wait until the first of the year and your chances of jobs will be higher, you take that advice and bide your time right? I hope so because that is what I am going to do. There are no jobs right now for Dialysis Techs. I just hope jobs open up soon! I know I dont blog that much but I promise more... Life has just been so hectic that I just want to die... I dont even have friends that I can hang out with on a weekly or monthly basis. I am sad and lonely I know I have my husband but I need a girls night out or whatever... Girlfriends are needed! HELP ME PLEASE! For now, Claresa

todays randomness

as of late Darin and I are fighting a lot... I don't know why... Since the gas company said they were going to sue us... we have been super stressed as of late... I don't know what to do... we dont have the money to pay the bill and they wont take anything less than the whole thing.... Help me!!! I feel like i don't love him but i know i should.... I hate that i might not love him.... i dont know what to do....